*The following jokes and witticisms about statistics will not only make the course more interesting but also enhance the recall of statistical concepts.*

A statistician is a man who comes to the rescue of figures that cannot lie for themselves.

There are no facts only interpretations. - Frederick Nietzsche

A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and he will say that on the average he feels fine.

A statistician is a person whose lifetime ambition is to be wrong 5% of the time.

I asked a statistician for her phone number... and she gave me an estimate.

In God we trust. All others must bring data - Robert Hayden

Numbers are like people; torture them enough and they'll tell you anything.

Why did the AI go to the psychiatrist? It had too many neural issues.

My 6-year-old son proudly announced he learned "R" in school today. My data scientist brain went wild until I remembered the alphabet exists too!

What do you call a p-value that's always significant? A show-off.

Hey Girl, you must be p>.05, because I fail to reject you.

Hey Girl, don't worry about collinearity. I'm independent of my Xs.

Hey Girl, I made a type 1 error. I shouldn't have rejected you.

Hey Girl, sometimes I feel like a null hypothesis. I will never be accepted.

Hey Girl, what's your sine? It must be pi/2 because you are the 1.

To be a statistician is great! You never have to be "absolutely sure" of anything... being "reasonably certain" is enough! - Pavel E. Guarisma

Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital. - Aaron Levenstein

You can't prove everything with statistics, but you can always find something good (or bad) to say.

Statistician -- someone who insists on being certain about uncertainty.

Two unbiased estimators are sitting in a bar, having a few beers. The first one says, "How do you like being married?" The second one says, "It's okay, but you lose a degree of freedom!"

Three percent exceeds 2 percent by 50 percent, not by 1 percent. - Edward Denison

You know how dumb the average guy is? Well, by definition, half of them are even dumber than that.

Homoscedasticity - Homogeneous elasticity between different sizes of rubber bands.

Interpolate - Breeding a statistician with a clergyman to produce the much sought "honest statistician".

Statistics is the art of never having to say you're wrong.

Statistics show that those who celebrate more birthdays live longer.

A statistics student accelerated before crossing every intersection. His passenger finally asked, "Why do you go so fast through intersection?"

The student replied, "Statistically speaking, you're far more likely to have an accident at an intersection, so I try to spend less time there."

Two homeless guys were sitting at a bar, lamenting how poor they were.

"I'm just so dirt poor," one of them said.

Just then, Bill Gates walked into the bar.

"Cheer up," said his friend. "On average, everyone in this bar just became a billionaire.".

A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second. Therefore, each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant.

Logic is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion with confidence. Statistics is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion with 95 percent confidence.

Q: Did you hear about the statistician who was thrown in jail?

A: He now has zero degrees of freedom.

Regression is a powerful tool for forecasting. Economists using it successfully predicted ten out of the last two recessions

Try this simple test: flip a coin, over and over again, calling out "Heads" or "Tails" after each flip. Half the time people will ask you to please stop.

What did the z distribution say to the t distribution?

You may look like me but you're not normal.

Q. How many statisticians does it take to change a light bulb?

A. That depends. It is really a matter of power.

P.S. Statisticians know all of the standard deviations.

Don't become a novelist; be a statistician, much more scope for the imagination.

The Statistics professor's failing students found it difficult to live within his means.

Q: How do you statistically test for differences among professional women tennis players?

A: Perform an analysis of cornered covariance, known as an ANACORNCOVA (refers to women's tennis player Anna Kournikova)

Q. What do you call a tea party with more than 30 people?

A. Z party!!!

I'm not an outlier; I just haven’t found my distribution yet!

When a statistician is pounding a nail with a hammer but misses the nail and hits his thumb, what do we call it?

Sampling Error

When a statistician is pounding a nail with a hammer but misses the nail and hits his thumb 10 CONSECUTIVE times, what do we call it?

A Biased Statistic

50% of marriages end in divorce. Thus if you don’t ﬁle for divorce, your wife will.

Old statisticians never die they just become non-significant.

Arguing with a statistician is a lot like wrestling with a pig. After a few hours you begin to realize. The pig likes it.

The statistician calculates until he gets a correct result about an obviously wrong proposition and concludes NOTHING, because the explanation is the task of the scientist who consulted the statistician.

haha

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